I’ve never been a great milk producer and I have said before that if I was a cow I would definitely be slaughtered for my tender ribeyes and not kept around for milk production. I was able to exclusively breastfeed Avery for the first 4 months but she probably wasn’t getting that much (she was getting enough to grow but she was scrawny), when her day care provider started giving her formula at 4 months she sort of exploded and rapidly doubled her weight and as one of our friends said when they hadn’t seen her for a couple of months, “wow, this Avery ate the other Avery!” But I simply didn’t know how much she was getting until I started pumping at work and so I’m letting myself off the hook for that. With Asher I went back to work when he was 2 weeks old and so he was supplemented a little bit from the beginning and I didn’t worry about it too much. With Vivian, since I started pumping from the beginning during her NICU stay I knew I was behind the curve in my production from the start. And then it ended up she has a weak and disorganized suck, a tight jaw and neck, and she is generally a lazy/sleepy nurser. Those are all things that make it more difficult to breastfeed (maybe SHE should put forth a little more effort!).
We have been doing a lot to try to make this work. We have been to the lactation consultant on an almost weekly basis and to the physical therapist a few times and done craniosacral therapy. Our feeding routine is a little bit crazy (and time consuming) because first I nurse her (which is usually frustrating because I either have to do all kinds of things to keep her awake and well latched or she gets frustrated and screams at the boob) and then afterwards I have to give her 1-2 oz of supplemented previously pumped breast milk or formula (because she can’t empty the breast on her own) and then I have to pump to obtain the aforementioned milk to supplement at the next feeding. Occasionally I use a syringe and small tube to feed her the milk while she is breastfeeding, which is time consuming and difficult too, getting that little tube into the corner of her mouth while she is nursing without breaking her latch is like threading a needle that you can’t see and I usually end up with milk all over the place. Then there is the cleaning of all the bottles/syringes/pumping equipment. We also have to try to do her jaw and neck exercises (which I frequently forget to do because I’m exhausted and they make her cry). I estimate I spend between 8-10 hours a day with these various breastfeeding related tasks. With the other 14 hours of the day there is the holding/changing/other baby care activities and of course there is all the normal life stuff like getting the kids off to school, cooking, laundry, etc. I try to get some sleep too and do what I can to take care of myself (take all my vitamins and herbs and mother’s milk tea) but it’s not easy. And in my spare time I have (of course) collected the data of when and how much she eats, when and how much I pump, and made a spreadsheet so I can track any trends. I find it surprisingly therapeutic to record that information, even if it does just point out how badly it is going.
People often say that many of the things you feel you need to do you don’t have to do when you have an infant (like some daily household stuff) and I agree, but sometimes those things also are the things that make you feel human. The other night I cooked a real meal and it took me about 75 minutes, it was a main course with two side dishes and a dessert, and it was a crazy hour because the baby was crying off and on and it took a lot of pre-planning in terms of when to feed her and everything and Andy was like, “you didn’t need to do that, we could have picked something up.” But the thing is I did need to do that because sometimes I just feel so engrossed in this complicated feeding routine (one that I am not exactly succeeding at) that I need to do something else so that I can, for even an hour, feel like a capable person.
I won’t even get started with the guilt factor. I’m going to feel guilty either way (whether I give up the hope of exclusively feeding her or just continue being sub-par with half time breastfeeding) because it feels like one of those things that you are supposed to do as a mother. You are supposed to provide for your baby. To fail at that is really crushing. I have seen patients who go through this, and I support their decision either way, and now I finally understand what a painful decision it is. I have another lactation appointment today so we’ll see how things go.
I gave up after three weeks. 5 days of fever with double antibiotic therapy for mastitis. I felt guilty for a month certain my baby would get all sorts of horrible infections and be developmentally delayed. He's almost 3yo only one round of antibiotics and definitely not delayed. Loving and caring for your child does not have to be synonymous with breastfeeding. Sometimes you can bond even more when you are able to see more than the next feeding. Good luck with whatever you decide
ReplyDeleteMastitis is horrible, I had it twice with my first daughter during her first 2 months of life, we worked through it, and in retrospect it maybe should have made me think about seeking help to get her to latch better (she also had a weak suck but I didn't know it at the time). But it all worked out fine, and I know this will work out too. This is a good lesson for me of how my current perspective can cloud my judgement. My lactation consultant was positive and hopeful yesterday and gave me 3 different options to try over the next week and that was helpful, so at least I have something I can "do" to see how it all works. Having that support really helps. But you are right, loving your child is not synonymous with breastfeeding, I know that, but somehow being a "good mother" (for me) is somehow associated. (I know that is not true, and I don't judge other people in that way, but somehow I judge myself in that way). We'll see how it goes.
ReplyDeleteWell, I was able to string it along for awhile, until she was a little over 4 months old, most of that time she was getting 2/3 breastmilk and 1/3 formula. I went back to work at that time and it was more than I could handle to keep up with the pumping and so my milk supply plummeted when I couldn't pump every 3 hours. She is almost 6 months old now and we are both doing really well, in the end it was quite a relief to let go of my feelings of "needing" to exclusively breastfeed her. Not that people should give up trying, but 4 months of fighting through every feeding/pumping session and waking myself up at night to pump was exhausting and my general attitude/mood has improved greatly over the past 2 months! Best of luck to you and I hope that things smooth out for you!
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