Product Review: Towels

I don't often endorse a product, but there are some things that I just love and even though they are relatively small moments they have a way of making my day, and these towels are one of those things:

http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?SKU=109354

These are the most amazing towels I have ever owned.  They make me feel like I am in a spa every time they touch my skin.  They seem to be holding up well to washing (I've had them a couple of months) and maintaining their ultra-softness.  These towels actually make me smile and sigh with contentment.  They were sort of a treat to myself for minimizing our towels (because they are expensive) but let me tell you, they are totally worth it!  And for me all of that is part of what minimizing is about, having fewer things but choosing a better quality product that will last longer and bring more enjoyment on a daily basis than something cheaper and larger in quantity. 

Before we moved we had WAY too many towels of a variety of colors and in various states of falling apart.  Most of them had also become sort of "calcified" (I don't know how else to describe it other than stiff and scratchy) from our really hard water in Wisconsin (even with our water softener the water was still very hard!).  So we donated almost all of them to Goodwill (and I'm sure they threw some of them away!).  We did keep a couple to put in the garage for washing the cars and also a couple to use to catch the buckets of sweat my husband produces by spending hours on the spin bike.  I decided to buy 4 of the above bath towels and 3 hand towels and that is it (I skipped washcloths because I don't find they get used at our house).  Just the other day I went back and bought one more bath towel for the baby so that every person in the house would have one towel.  They are plain white and fit into the decor of both bathrooms so I don't have to worry about matching.  I suppose if we are getting technical then the kids each do have an additional "special" bath towel (a butterfly and a dinosaur) that they received as gifts that they use often and we do have 4 "beach" towels for swimming and such (which, if we didn't have room, could definitely be minimized and we could use our bath towels for that purpose, which I might end up doing anyways now that I think about it...).  But even that amount is still much better than the many many towels we used to have stacked in the linen closet.  The only down side I can see to limiting the number of towels in a house to one per person is that if we have more than 2 guests come stay with us I guess Andy and I will have to share a towel, or use one of the swimming towels (which of course would be fine), but otherwise it makes storage much better!

So, if you're looking to replace some old towels with just one amazing towel, try one of these!

Minimalist Nesting

Now that I’m 36 weeks and approaching the time when the milk in the grocery store will have a due date after mine I’m getting that urge to start nesting.  For those that haven’t experienced it before it is difficult to describe other than a little tickle in the back of the brain saying, “prepare! prepare!”  Unfortunately in our society that translates really quickly into “buy! buy!” which is what I’m trying to avoid.  I’m working on channeling that energy in other ways but it is not easy to avoid the marketing directed at parents.

It actually makes me a little angry sometimes, to imagine ad executives coming up with plans to try to catch me at one of my most emotional moments to make me buy things that I don’t need.  Somehow though, despite this hostility, I do occasionally get sucked in and have found myself accidentally shopping for high-end strollers or special bassinets, neither of which I need.  So I’ve done my best to keep myself from shopping and decided that the best strategy would be to make a list of what I felt (for me) the minimalist newborn equipment would be and try to stick to it. 

In making this list, I have the advantage this time around (being my 3^rd child) of experience and so that certainly helps.  I didn’t know about minimalism as a lifestyle concept after my first two kids were born (now 7 and 4 years old) but even with them, as I was buying things or receiving gifts I would often pose the question, “do I really need this thing?” and at the time the answer was, “maybe?” and now I know that often the answer is “no” or at least “maybe I should wait and see if I need it.”  When my son outgrew his baby things I got rid of almost everything, gladly, with the happy thoughts that the people borrowing it or buying it could certainly use it and our closet couldn’t since I didn’t know if we would have a 3^rd child.  So this time around I’m starting mostly from scratch and I love that I get a clean slate. 

The other up side to this being a 3^rd child is that I don’t plan to have a baby shower.  Don’t get me wrong, I love baby showers and parties of all types, but I’ve never been to one where there wasn’t a lot of unnecessary gifting. Looking back at my own shower, it makes me a little sad sometimes to think about the clothing that I was given for my first daughter that never got worn, that I gave away to friends (with the tags still on!) because we got a lot of clothing as gifts, and she didn’t grow at the standard rate (a lot of kids don’t) and so she never got to wear them!  Because of that experience I always encourage people wanting to give a baby gift to give the gift of a housecleaning, meals, babysitting, or a pedicure as those are often the things you really don’t want to do for yourself after your baby is born and you need a break!  Other great gifts are baby or children’s books (because we know reading to your child at an early age is good for them) or a gift card to buy necessary items that pop up along the way.

So the list, it is tailored to me personally, I don’t expect anyone else to use this list as a rule, but I’ll try to spell out why I think it is what it is.  I also welcome feedback and comments as I WISH someone would have told me these things before I had my first child and I imagine there are a lot of different opinions out there.

The list:

Car seat – This is only if you have a car of course!  We do, and we unfortunately have to drive places (we live within walking distance of a lot of local favorites but both my husband and I are working professionals and our jobs require driving a distance that is not walkable).  I am hopefully going to be borrowing a car seat, instead of purchasing one, which is not something that is necessarily recommended by safety experts (to get a used car seat) but it is from a friend I know well and trust and so I feel comfortable with this plan.  But in the end, in the United States, you normally are not allowed to leave the hospital with your baby if you don’t have a car seat, so that is why this is at the top of the list as a necessary item.

Clothing -- Technically they don’t “need” clothing if they have blankets, but I think most of us feel better with our baby in some sort of clothing, I know I do.  This particular baby is going to be a winter baby and so the list is different than it would be if it were a summer baby (which would probably include only onesies, I know that is what my son pretty much lived in as a summer baby).  But, even a winter baby doesn’t need much and in our household of soon to be 5 people, who all have minimized our wardrobes, we do either daily or every other day laundry so it’s not necessary to have a week of clothing on hand.  I believe a reasonable minimum is 6 gowns or footed pajamas and 3 “outfits” for the 0-3 month age range to start with and to have about the same (minus the gowns, because they generally fit for a long time) for the 3-6 month age range.  Will I probably end up with more?  Yes, probably, I am a sucker for adorable baby outfits, but I am trying to limit my own purchases as I expect we will get some of those adorable baby outfits as gifts.  I’m basing these numbers on the experience I had before, that even on a bad day we would usually only go through about 4 clothing changes.  Maybe less with my second child because I just got lazy and tolerated some spit up here and there without feeling the need to change clothes.  Also, I found that both my kids spent most of their time in gowns or pajamas or onesies, they are just so much easier (especially the gowns, no snaps!) than an outfit, although when the opportunity arises to dress them up a little bit it is fun to have a few cute outfits on hand.

Diapers – I don’t plan on stocking up on too many diapers ahead of time because of the size issue; you just don’t know when they are going to need “newborn” size or “size 1” or “size 2” because they all have different size butts and different size poops! I’ll probably buy a pack of newborn disposable diapers to start with because my babies have been on the smaller size in the past and they tend to go through anywhere from 6-12 diapers a day in the first couple of weeks and then go from there. I’ve never done cloth before but have contemplated it for this one.  My husband said he doesn’t want to participate if we do cloth so that sort of takes it off the agenda for me (an agreeable partner is necessary in the newborn phase!).  I would be curious to hear from those out there who use cloth how many diapers and diaper covers they feel they truly “need” versus how many they actually have.  

Crib – we happen to already have a crib, so we will be using it at some point, but I don’t feel a crib is an absolute necessity, especially not in the first few months.  It would be possible to get by with a bassinet and pack and play or some other arrangement for quite some time. I don’t want to really get into a co-sleeping or family bed debate, I’m going to leave that up to everyone’s individual choice, but I think it is likely that most people do end up with a crib at some point.  I encourage people to buy a safe but inexpensive crib, because really, they only sleep there (sometimes) and they are such large pieces of furniture that are difficult to store afterwards and it’s nice to not feel you HAVE to keep it once you are done with it.

Other sleeping equipment  (i.e. Bassinet, co-sleeper, pack-n-play) – Again, depending on what you choose, any of these are not absolutely necessary.  I happen to already have a co-sleeper, and really loved having it for my other kids.  I liked that I could have them near me to breastfeed during the night but not feel like I was causing them potential harm by having them in the bed with my husband and me.  In our other house we had a pack-n-play, which was really convenient for naps on the main level of the house as well as diaper changes and traveling and such.  That being said, this time we are going to do without, we don’t have space in our new house and I figure I could use the exercise of going up and down the stairs more anyway, if this ends up being the wrong decision I could probably borrow or rent one for a few months to get us through.

Entertaining equipment (i.e. Swing, bouncy seat, jumperoo, exersaucer, playmats, etc.) – I don’t think these are truly necessary items in any way.  This time around we may borrow a bouncy seat and then maybe an exersaucer just depending on how things go, because I do think it is nice to have a place where you can set them for 15 minutes while trying to grab a shower or start a meal or things like that where you can see that they are “happy” and safe.  I think it is possible to achieve happy and safe without buying large pieces of plastic equipment, it just takes a little more effort, which, depending on the day, might be more effort than one would want to put forth.  Also, in retrospect, the amount of time they use these items is VERY short.  A couple of months, maybe, before they are beyond them.  So investing a lot of money (and house/storage space) in any of these items is not really a good idea.  We have had all of these in the past and don’t have any of them right now so I’m going to wait to see how it goes before deciding whether or not we need them.

Transporting equipment (i.e. Carriers, packs, wraps, strollers) –With both of my kids I spent a lot of time carrying them in some sort of carrier.  Babies like to be close to warm bodies and mine were the happiest in a sling, wrap, or carrier of some sort.  I don’t have a particular preference as to the type; I did love the Moby wrap with my son and feel it is great even for a newborn and adaptable to older infants as well.  I found I hardly used a stroller for my second child as he was always in his wrap or carrier (our Bjorn wore out and so this time I did buy an Ergo, we’ll see how it goes!).  I did the big stroller/travel system thing with our first child and found it to be a total waste of money and space.  I hardly ever used that bulky stroller and it didn’t even fit in our car very well.  At around 4 months with our first I converted to a lightweight stroller for the purposes of travel and was happy with that decision, we still have that stroller (it’s pretty banged up but it still works!) and will use it if needed, it doesn’t fit an infant seat in it so it will be more useful again after 4-6 months when the kid can sit up.  We do own a double jogging stroller (a Chariot) and we have gotten a lot of use out of it with our two older kids and we love using it for our frequent outdoor activities which are an important part of our lifestyle (running, biking) and we’re contemplating getting the ski attachment to be able to go cross country skiing with it.  That may not be for everyone and it is a big investment based on cost and storage space so think carefully if it will work for you and your current lifestyle before buying any specialty stroller.

Feeding items (bottles, breast pumps, baby food makers) – The breast pump decision is totally dependent on plans for going back to work, etc.  I encourage people to wait to buy one because sometimes (depending on your health insurance) the pump may be partially paid for if you are struggling with milk supply issues.  If you’re going back to work very soon after giving birth then you may want to invest in one.  A lot of people can get through with a hand pump and so don’t discount that as a possibility as it is a cheaper option, but if you have limited time for pumping then a higher grade electric pump is a better choice.  My pump wasn’t working that well after it’s second time through and so I got rid of it, this time I’m going to see how it goes as I won’t be going back to work right away, I may borrow a pump from a friend (not generally recommended to share a pump) but again in this instance it is someone I know well and trust.  I encourage people not to buy too many bottles because I find some infants really have a preference for certain nipple types and you might find yourself going through 3 or 4 different kind of bottles before finding one that works.  Of course, if breastfeeding you may not need a bottle at all so better to just wait until you need one before buying.  Since my kids were mostly breastfed and I tried to feed them myself whenever possible we only ever had a few bottles on hand (approximately 5) since we used them just a couple of times a day and washed them regularly, so I don’t really know how many are “necessary” if you are strictly bottle feeding.  As far as baby food makers, I don’t know a lot about them, we never had one.  The amount of time between starting baby food and converting to “real food” is so short (usually between 6-12 months of age) that again I’m not sure a lot of baby food making accessories are necessary.  I do think it is great to make your own baby food, but if you have a food mill or food processor I’m not sure you need a “babyhood maker” but would be interested to hear someone else’s opinion about this.

Other items – I think all other items are really dependent on your personal preference.  Did we have a special diaper disposal system (like a diaper genie)? No, we didn’t, and we never felt we needed it and we don’t need it now.  We never had a baby wipe warmer and our kids’ butts never seemed to be damaged by a cool baby wipe (in the beginning we used warm wet towels anyway).  We didn’t have a changing table with our kids and we still think it is not a necessary piece of furniture (we had a changing pad which we moved around the house and mostly used on other pieces of furniture or the floor and honestly we felt it was safer that way).  We had a baby bathtub with our first child but after a couple of tries it was clear she hated it and she only enjoyed a bath if we were in the tub holding her so we usually bathed with our kids and got rid of the baby bathtub.  We do have a baby monitor because of the distance between our room and our baby’s room, but if our room was closer I don’t think that would be a necessary accessory and we’re probably not going to need it for the first couple of months anyway.  I had a Boppy pillow with my first child but I found it uncomfortable for me for breastfeeding (personally) and I did better with rolled up blankets and pillows positioned for our mutual comfort.  We do have a glider/rocker chair which is a piece of furniture that I really enjoyed during the first 12 months with both my kids and I am glad we have kept it for this third one.  It is very comfortable for breast feeding and rocking soon after delivery, but I think that is mostly personal preference and again not absolutely necessary.

Toys and books – As a parent I have come to loathe manufactured and advertised toys and this is where I feel the minimalist need the most right now.  This is also where I learned from experience as we overdid it with toys during my daughter’s first couple of years of life.  It became very clear to me rather quickly that they do not need a lot of toys.  Babies are much more interested in interacting with humans (appropriately) and that is what we should be doing with our babies most often!  Putting them in a swing or on a play mat or handing them a toy is not that fun for them (except when they figure out they can create a game by throwing the toy on the floor and observing us pick it up for them repeatedly).  Like most kids our daughter loved playing with tupperware and wooden spoons on the kitchen floor more than she liked any of her plastic toys.  Is it reasonable to have a couple of distracting items (like a rattle or stuffed animal and a couple of toys that they can put in their mouth to chew on) yes, I think that is very reasonable, but most kids end up with an excessive amount of large plastic toys that I think are absolutely unnecessary.  Books, however, are healthy and good for babies and so I think having a small library of baby and children’s books is a good idea.  I think using the local library often is great, and most babies probably don’t care what you are reading to them so even reading a magazine is fine (although expect page ripping to occur).

So that is the list!  Again, I’m interested to hear everyone’s opinion about this, I’m sure there are lots of different thoughts out there and I’m pretty sure there isn’t a “right” or “wrong” answer as to how much and what is needed for a truly “minimalist” nesting and first year of life.  Personally I have been trying to use that little “prepare! prepare!” voice in my head to channel the energy that I might otherwise use shopping for “stuff” and invest it in keeping my body healthy during my pregnancy with a good exercise routine and preparing healthy meals for our family (both time consuming activities that require real effort!).  Also I’ve been taking some time for creative things, like painting a wall mural in the baby’s room and doing some journaling, that are both relatively low in terms of cost but make me feel like I’m giving the baby a gift of something that I made just for her that couldn’t be bought.  Sometimes when I’m walking through large stores and seeing aisle after aisle of cheap toys and baby items it makes my stomach turn a little thinking that we, as a society, have placed such importance on such unimportant things during such an important time in our lives.  Our babies need our time, our full attention, and our love, not our stuff.  They come to us naked and with nothing to give but love, which reminds me that in the end, she is the true gift and blessing, she already has all the “stuff” she needs within her and I never ever want to lose focus on that.

Writing it Down for Posterity

After all of our recent struggles with Avery (and things have slowly been getting better, very very slowly), she totally blew me away with something she said tonight and so I have to write it down, because it may be a very very long time before I ever hear anything like it again!  As she was going to bed she said, "Mommy, I love you so so so much!" and I said, "and I love you too!" and she said, "And thank you for taking such good care of me, and making sure I'm always safe and healthy and alive, because I only have one life."  I have no idea where that came from, but it brought tears to my eyes!

Here's to Hope

Oh my goodness, we are actually having a baby!  It has hit me that this might be really happening.  You might think that sounds crazy, to be 33 weeks pregnant and just realize this, but it has been a long couple of years.  The ups and downs of pregnancy and miscarriage were rough and I find myself repeatedly astonished it is actually real.

I feel like I need to talk about the miscarriages a little bit.  I talked about the first one a lot already, because that was emotionally the hardest and required the D&C and all that.   But they are so common (roughly 30% of all pregnancies) and yet hardly anyone ever talks about them openly and I’m still not sure why they are a sort of taboo subject.  Miscarriages are a unique sort of loss.  I knew that before, professionally it is something I deal with so often, but I didn’t really understand it until I experienced it myself and found out how much suffering is involved.  I’m not saying my road was harder than anyone else’s, there are certainly people who have suffered more than I have, but 4 miscarriages in a row did stretch me to the edge of my own ability to cope. 

That sort of pain; deep heart wrenching pain that rips you up on the inside, that feels like the loss of your entire future, is so hard to handle.  Harder, even, when the loss is personal, and private, and lonely.  I wasn’t totally private about it, people around me knew what was going on, but I didn’t stop to grieve either (which in retrospect might not have been the right choice).  I went to work throughout all of it and kept everything around me as normal as possible; it was easier for me to be distracted than to think about it too much.  I also found that when I was working I completely forgot it was happening and I enjoyed taking care of my pregnant patients and delivering their babies and holding their hand through the newborn phase without harboring any resentment.  However, when I was at the grocery store and saw a newborn, or on the street and saw a pregnant woman, or heard of someone I knew having a baby it just seemed so unfair.  The pain was so sharp and searing at those moments and I had the almost constant thought of “why is this happening to me?”  I probably should have worked on letting out some of that pent up emotion but I felt I was struggling to make it day to day as it was.  Each positive pregnancy test was filled with so much hope and each time the bleeding started my hopes were more than just dashed, it felt like they were slaughtered.

Which is why we totally gave up after the 4^th one last February.  I couldn’t go through it again.  It was just too hard.  Of course in the time following that loss I wasn’t thinking all that clearly, as a physician I really should know better: that you don’t have to be “trying” to get pregnant to actually become pregnant and I was truly surprised a month later to see that positive pregnancy test, and also terrified.  My very first thought was, 5!  I can’t go through 5 miscarriages!  But there was a little glimmer of hope.  And seeing that little heartbeat on the first trimester ultrasound was so surprising.  I didn’t cry, I just sat there in awe that momentarily things were actually ok.

Since that moment every positive step forward has been individually reassuring (a normal nuchal screen, a normal first trimester screen, a normal 20 week ultrasound), but none of it has really stopped me from thinking that at some point the other shoe is going to drop.  That feeling never leaves me.  On a daily basis I run through all the bad things that could happen, which is why I think I’ve set up this barrier to believing it is actually happening.  It’s easier to think it’s not happening so that when things go bad I’m prepared.  Even though nothing really prepares you for that sort of loss.  It’s probably a defense mechanism, and probably not the most mature reaction, but I’m working on it.  And as each day goes by things seem to get more real.  Which has led me to actually start working on the nursery.  Which makes me worried I’m jinxing things.  (I haven’t taken the tags off of anything because that feels like I might really be pushing my luck).  It is sad to me, that somehow, in the process of all that loss (and maybe of not dealing with the loss) that I may have dampened my own hope and happiness for this new little one.  Feeling condemned to loss is unfair to her so I'm trying to stop that feeling; with her movements and presence becoming stronger every day I want to work to rediscover what joy that is unfettered by worry feels like.  Easier said than done.  But I want to do it for her sake, so that I will be able to give in completely to the moment I’ve been desperately hoping for; the blissful amazing moment when I watch her take that first breath of life.  Here’s to hoping and believing that miracles, even common every day ones, like a healthy baby being born in a normal way, can happen to anyone, even me.

Our First Homework Battle and Swim Team Saga

Funny how the “firsts” of childhood start out so cute (first time rolling over, first time saying “mama”) and progress into more painful experiences.  Or maybe that’s just my current perspective talking.  We had our first homework battle the other night, which was not something I was anticipating would occur.  Avery really likes school and likes reading and is a perfectionist (the thought of disappointing her teacher makes her pale) so I just thought she would naturally slide into homework as I knew second grade would probably bring more of it.  But Tuesday night we got in an all out war.  In retrospect I think Andy and I both wished we had handled it differently but that whole hindsight thing is what it is. 

It started out that I tried to get her to do her homework right when we got home, before we went to swim team practice and she did some, but got frustrated and wanted to take a break, I felt she was asking reasonably so I said she could do it right after dinner.  Then we had a bad experience at swim team (see below) and when we got home she was crying from that, whimpered through dinner and was not in a good mood to tackle homework.  But it had to be done.  So we started it and in a matter of minutes she had thrown herself on the ground and was rolling around screaming “I can’t do it!  I’m not doing it!”  We let her do that for a while and tried to cajole her a little bit into doing it without success.  Then we asked her what the consequence would be at school and she said, “I’ll have to stay in at recess and finish it which is fine because I don’t have any friends and I spend recess standing around by myself so I might as well be inside doing homework!”  Wow, she knows how to hit us where it hurts.  When we didn’t really react to that she started to pull out all the stops with more screaming, throwing things, hitting the wall, whatever negative thing she could do to get our attention.  If I had seen it for what it was I probably wouldn’t have reacted how I did but I was so tired (and pregnant) and couldn’t deal so I lost it and I started bawling, (note to self: don’t do that, it makes things worse).  Then we started pulling out threats about her bad behavior (“if you slam your door one more time we’re taking it off the hinges” etc. etc.).  The whole thing snowballed into a big emotional mess.  Finally I was able to talk to her and calm her down so at least she could go to sleep (because now we’re at an hour past her bedtime of course).  As soon as she was asleep Andy and I sat down and discussed strategy, like we were war generals, and we think we have a plan of laying out expectations peppered with some intrinsic and extrinsic motivators and docking for noncompliance and relying heavily on natural consequences (she says she would be ok turning in blank homework but I doubt she really is ok with it, we’re trying hard to allow her to try it and see what happens, that is where our Type A-ness starts coming out!).  But mostly I think she just needs to get in the habit of doing her homework right after school, that that routine alone will help with a lot.  And so yet again I think, “wow this parenting gig is not easy, what are we going to do when she is a teenager?!”  (follow up: she woke up early the next morning and did her homework with only a small amount of whining and did ok with it the rest of the week when asked).

Ah, so Swim Team.  Yet another emotionally laden experience.  I admit, that in the beginning it was my idea, it was not driven by her request to be on swim team or anything like that.  In fact, there was bribery involved.  But those of you that know me know I spent a big part of my life swimming and I love the sport and feel that it teaches valuable life lessons, is good for social networking, and is great exercise.  I’ve actually gotten back into lap swimming lately myself since that is one of the few forms of exercise I can do where I don’t feel like my belly is going to explode from internal pressure.  So clearly before we even start this it gets complicated because I’m already emotionally involved and working on creating a barrier so that my history doesn’t filter down to her too much; I want her to have her own experience with swimming.  Easier said than done.  So, anyway, as I have mentioned before, Andy and I want to keep her as active as possible, we feel she needs daily exercise and she has progressed so well in swimming lessons and has a really nice crawl stroke and an excellent backstroke (for a 7 year old -- that is me trying to be as analytical about her technique and unbiased as possible) that she should at least try swim team.  She’s not fast, but has such great form that I feel like she has clear potential to be good at this a few years down the road and so I was thinking that now would be a good time to start.

Side note:  So this is an interesting question to me that Andy and I have discussed before and don’t know the answer to but we poll parents when we get a chance.  How do you choose activities for your kids?  Or do you let them choose themselves?  Do you “make” them do certain sports/activities?  When do you start?  How long do you push them for?  Or do you push them?  Do you let them quit and try something else?  We’ve already heard tons of different answers to these questions.  And of course I think the whole “tiger mom” book and parenting concept has certainly added to this debate about how to manage activities and such.  I don’t have answers right now, I’ll let you know if I figure something out!

I looked into the local team when we moved and found out there would be a “trial period” for 2 weeks at the beginning of September and thought we would go and see how it went.  I told her some stories about how much fun I had on swim team and how it would be a great place for her to make some new friends in our new town.  I painted a rosy picture for sure.  Then it came time for the first day.  I was not prepared for the machine that is the Boise Y swim team, and unfortunately neither was Avery.  There were about 50 new kids on the pool deck with their parents (in addition to the kids already swimming), it was so chaotic, we stood in line to sign her in and get her a cap and write her name on it in sharpie (the only way to keep them all straight) and then she got in a lane with 11 other little kids that were maybe slightly older than her but around the same ability level.  Can you believe that, 12+ kids in a lane in a 25 yard pool!  I was thankful there were lifeguards there in addition to the 5 coaches!  So first day what do they do?  Freestyle drills!  45 minutes of streamline kicking, one arm swimming, and “catchup” drill.  And I immediately had regrets thinking this is way more aggressive than what I was looking for.  And she ended up with a bunch of splashy boys in her lane, who kept touching her toes and trying to pass her (she couldn’t see that they were actually cheating on their drills and swimming instead of kicking).  About 20 minutes into the practice I could see on her face that she was crying, and at the same time I realized I was on the verge of fainting because I had been standing so long in this giant group of parents and it was overwhelmingly hot on the pool deck.  So I’m desperately looking for a dry place to sit my giant pregnant body down and nobody is looking like they want to give up their coveted plastic chair so I finally find a small dry corner near a fan and maintain my grip on consciousness while trying to keep my eye on her at the same time.  Over the next 5 minutes the crying turned to sobbing and she asked her coach to get out.  She said she was overwhelmed, that she felt confused about what she was supposed to be doing, she felt like she couldn’t hear the instructions properly and that everyone was faster than she was.  I tried to encourage her to try another lane or a something else but nothing worked, I couldn’t get her to stop crying and I was feeling equally miserable in my lightheaded state so we threw in the towel for that day.

On the way home I thought about letting her quit right then, but I said we would try it for 2 weeks and she agreed to go back in a couple of days.  Day #2 was much better, there were a lot fewer parents and slightly fewer kids (9 in a lane) and she made it through with a smile on her face.  So, of course, I filled out the arduously long amount of paperwork and wrote the check that committed us to the team.  This week was day #3 and again it was a really crowded day; lots of kids in the lanes and the feeling of chaos with some kids swimming down the wrong side and running into other kids.  I was trying to extract myself and let the coaches deal with it so I was way off to the side watching from a corner as she totally fell to pieces after about 10 minutes.  The coaches tried to get her back in but she saw me and came running over.  She couldn’t even talk she was crying so hard.  It broke my heart to see her so upset.  There were tears in my own eyes.  So we talked for a while and tried to get her back in again, but again nothing worked.  I made her stay and watch the rest of practice at least, because I didn’t want her to think this was a way to get out early.  I had a serious talk with her afterwards, about how this is really her choice, that I think she has potential and that I know she can do it, but she has to be the one to do the work, I can’t do it for her.  She pulled out the, “but you said it would be fun!  And it’s not!” and I apologized because I was clearly wrong about that, and then we had to discuss how sometimes the fun comes later, sometimes the work pays off and then it is more fun.  Tough lessons to learn at age 7.  And I think she was disappointed in herself that she didn’t get back in because she cried the whole way home in the car.

Somehow she agreed to go back for day #4, which was yesterday, and it ended up being pretty good.  I was able to get Andy to come because I thought that would help her to have Daddy there too (and it did boost her up a little).  It was a day of all breaststroke drills, which is her least favorite stroke and so immediately I cringed when I saw the plan.  She did get out once toward the end of practice but to her credit she didn’t come talk to Andy or me, she went to the head coach, who was able to talk her back into the water.  She told me later that she was worried she was going to drown in the middle of the pool, that she wouldn’t be able to make it to the other end and that it would have been “too embarrassing” if someone had to get in and rescue her.  She wasn’t giving herself enough credit, she was actually doing pretty good (and the pool is about 5 feet deep at the deepest, so drowning seems unlikely).  In the end, she told us the best part of the day was how proud she was when she got back in, that she had overcome that obstacle by herself.  And that alone was worth the trauma for me.

So today the big question is: there is a team only meet next weekend (a small meet, well, as small as a meet can be when there are 250 kids on the team, yes, that is right 250 kids (!), ranging in ability from “barely able to swim” to “Olympic trial qualifiers”) and the coaches are encouraging all of the kids, even the beginners to participate for the experience, do I sign her up?  The sign up is due today.  Do I sign her up for the 25 free and 25 backstroke and see how it goes?  She can’t dive off blocks yet, but she is probably not alone in that department.  It’s officiated so kids who need times can get them and so if she gets DQ’d she’ll be totally traumatized and so I’m hesitant.  Also, they require the parents do hour long timing shifts, and physically I’m not sure I can do it, I get so hot and lightheaded on the pool deck.  I’m leaning towards not doing it, giving her more time to get used to practice, but I don’t want her to miss out on an opportunity to adjust to what a meet is like in a safe setting (because the other big meets here are really really big and would definitely be overwhelming for her).  Tough call huh?

Body Image Issues at Our House

Wow, it ends up that as kids get older the parenting gets harder.  HOW COME NO ONE TOLD ME THAT?  Geez society, you had me all freaked out about the baby years, ends up that those are the easy ones!  Newest issue at our house: body image.  And I am at a total loss for what to do (because I feel like I’ve tried everything you’re “supposed” to do).  In other words, I’m open to advice.

Avery has, for awhile now, become more aware of how her body looks compared to other kids, I suppose starting probably about a year ago during first grade but becoming more and more of an issue.  And now we’re at the point where it is almost a daily issue.  For example, last night she had her first ballet class, which she enjoyed (which was a sigh of relief) but afterwards she said to me, “mom, I have the fattest legs of all the girls in my class.”  And after a moment of grasping for words I said, “your legs are fine and they are strong and useful and it’s wonderful you’re dancing with them.”  Then she looked at me with this look, a very clear look of “I don’t believe a word you’re saying.”  And it was that look that gave me pause, because if she doesn’t believe me, who is she going to believe?

Here’s the thing, she is a stout girl, I don’t think (according to all the numbers) that she would fall into the range of being technically overweight, but she is probably at the upper end of the normal curve for body mass.  This is something I am acutely aware of as her health is my priority and really my job to watch out for.  And, like me, she loves food and loves to eat and if we let her would eat a lot of food!  We set quite a few limits around food and consciously try to keep her as active as possible, which is not as easy to do as it sounds when kids are in school so much of the day (and only have P.E. twice a week).  My point is that it would be lying to tell her that she is skinny, when she’s not, or that she’s wrong, when her version is just the negative interpretation of the facts based on cultural expectations.  

My current plan is to try to put a positive spin on it all, to continue to try to explain that her body will develop how it will develop, she and I don’t have any control over that, and that we will continue to eat healthy foods and do healthy activities to make her body strong.  I guess I just wish society would help, because I feel like I’m battling cultural norms with everything I’m saying to her about this and that in the end she is going to believe them over me.   In which case, what can I do? 

Barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen

I’m feeling pressure to blog something again, because it’s the last day of August!  The whole summer has just zipped by!  I will “try” to catch up on some of the fun details (our vacation) and not so fun details (the move) later, but for now, I feel like I should focus on the present.  I’m hoping the next 2 months of my life will be titled “barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen.”  (after I finish unpacking anyway…).  That’s right, I’m going to revel in my new found domestic role, a role I’ve never really played before, at least in the solo form. 

I feel really lucky actually, to be able to take a few months away from work.  I feel like I’ve never had that option before, that I’ve rushed from one experience to the next to the next (sometimes overlapping experiences like going back to work when Asher was just 2 weeks old).  But the truth is that all of those things were my choice, and now I recognize I have (and have always had) the ability to make changes, it just doesn’t happen overnight!  So I am lucky that my husband was willing to support me in this endeavor to stay at home for several months and really get to be a mom and a wife.

Something I’ve realized already is that I’m not particularly good at it (the domestic thing), and so it is going to require some effort on my part.  It is sort of a scheduling nightmare to get everyone where they are supposed to be on time, appropriately dressed and groomed and with the right homework and such.  Also, everyone needs to be fed at what seems like a constant pace, requiring repeated meal preparation and clean up.  Then there is the mess making, sibling fighting, and general “kid issues” that take place.  And cap it off with laundry, which there is always more of every day!   So there are all of these demands laid on top of a fairly wide open schedule (which gives the illusion that it should be easy to fit it all in) but in reality there is very little free time.  Put on top of all of that my own emotional baggage and fatigue and all that and most days I’m happy to make it to the end!

 

So now that sounds kind of bad, like again I don’t have a choice, but I’m realizing each day I DO have a choice and I just have to exercise it more.  I’m working on getting our schedule more organized so less time is wasted so that I can carve out my own free time.  And I’m also trying to find some tasks that fill more than one need at a time (I enjoy baking and cooking so I’m trying to use this as an opportunity to try new recipes and stuff).  Today, for example, I experienced the joy of blanching, peeling and chopping fresh peaches for my plan to make little individual peach pies that I can put in everyone’s lunch.  It was actually fun, and while I’m not sure that my kids really understand that making little pies from scratch is a way to show I love and care about them, at least it will fulfill one of the many times a day that they require food.

I’m looking at the whole thing as a fun little experiment.  Sadly one without a paycheck.  Hopefully I won’t forget how to be a doctor, and maybe, if I’m lucky I can learn to be a better mom.